Carrie Ann Inaba was moved to tears

(CBS News) If you’re going to have Latin Night on “Dancing with the Stars”, you need credibility.

What better way than to start with Carlos Santana? (We missed him at my local sushi restaurant tonight, where he sometimes hangs out.) What Santana understands is intensity. If you can’t transmit that, you can never be Latin.

Pictures: “Dancing with the Stars” Season 14

First was Jaleel White, who has, thus far, expressed some intensity by apparently having a little spat with partner Kym Johnson. Still, this samba had to be good. White promised to shake his booty. Especially for judge Bruno Tonioli.

White shook his six pack and his nipples, too. They were all visible to the level of impunity.

Judge Len Goodman actually stood up. “Your bum was going like you were chewing a toffee,” he gushed.

“That wiggle. Have you got a mini-me inside there operating it,” said Tonioli of White’s bottom. His was, indeed, a very tense and intense bottom indeed. INTENSITY LEVEL: 8.

What of the debilitated Melissa Gilbert? What intensity could she offer in her delicate state? She had a mild concussion.

A salsa is supposed to cause concussion. It’s not so good to start it with one already. Gilbert was tentative, until her partner Maksim Chmerkovsiky straddled her repeatedly – while he rolled her over and over. Unsurprisingly, near the end she tired, perhaps relieved that nothing had caused her further headaches.

Tonioli called it wild and untamed. However, he felt it wasn’t controlled and precise. Carrie Ann Inaba was moved to tears. Yes, it took two dances. Still, she also offered: “You take steps that are too big for you.” INTENSITY LEVEL: 6.

So how were Maria Menounos’ broken ribs? And her stress-fractured foot? Were they ready for the salsa? Suddenly, then she fell on her chin in rehearsals. She squealed. Which sounded slightly better than her hyena-heavy laugh. Mercifully, her chin survived. Sadly, so did her laugh.

She spent quite a lot of her dance suspended parallel to the ground. One can only imagine this was on the advice of doctors. Partner Derek Hough shed his shirt, so that this ended up being very much a flesh-to-flesh experience.

Inaba loved it. But she thought Menounos kissing Hough was a sell-out. Goodman loved the “hypertension.” I am sure he has pills for it.

“Want me to get you a room?” asked Tonioli. “Want me to join in?” The ethos of family television was being severely assaulted by the daring and leather-clad this night. INTENSITY LEVEL: 9.

The Welsh have a certain sort of intensity. One might call it miserably moody. One might see its most positive aspects most often during a rugby match. One doesn’t tend to see it during the Argentine tango. So here we had Katherine Jenkins, Welsh classical singer, attempting to be a Latin diva. Her partner, Mark Ballas, demanded more aggression out of her kicks. This resulted in his Hanging Gardens of Babylon being temporarily numbed.

They began by dancing with a bottle of something alcoholic. What followed was intoxicatingly complex and highly dependent on absolute synchronization. Perhaps Jenkins didn’t look sufficiently mean and moody. However, her body described shapes not easily replicable on an Etch-a-Sketch.

Goodman described it as a rose – both beautiful and menacing. “Dancing and choreography of the highest quality,” mooned Tonioli. “Your legs are the best I’ve ever seen of any contestant,” delighted an emotional Inaba (Is there any other kind?). Only Goodman was miserable enough not to give her a 10. INTENSITY LEVEL: 11.

But what of the constantly hatted Gavin DeGraw? Could he ever cope with the samba? Bookies were not taking odds. He’s a nice man, is Gavin. His dancing isn’t quite so nice. This was an exercise in trying to keep up with partner Karina Smirnoff. DeGraw’s limbs behave as if they’re made out of discarded chewing gum. His eyes darted toward the audience in the hope of approbation, while the rest of his body wafted in the wind desperate for mere salvation.

“I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry,” said Tonioli. “Are you suffering from tropical fever?”

Even DeGraw agreed. “It was more of a struggle than a samba.” Goodman, trying to be amusing, called it a “shamba.” INTENSITY LEVEL: 2.

Surely William Levy, being Cuban, might have an advantage. His remit was the Argentine tango. In rehearsals, he looked exhausted. Vast bags hung beneath his eyes. Levy managed to access those parts of his Latinness that so many men wished they could reach. He was moody, very slightly aggressive and very largely smoldering. One spin, when partner Cheryl Burke straddled him as if there was the world’s largest mouse on the floor, was a joy to behold. Probably for Levy, too.

Inaba needed a defibrillator. When she began breathing she called it “ridiculously amazing.”

Tonioli used words like “pulsating” and “throbbing.” I think he was talking about Levy’s dancing. Again, only Goodman throbbed not enough to give him a 10. INTENSITY LEVEL: 12.

Gladys Knight wasn’t ready for this. She seemed to have performed concerts most nights last week in different parts of America. How could she possibly have rehearsed enough for this samba?

She gave it everything she had – and few things she had borrowed. She wiggled, she giggled, 의성콜걸 she pouted. But this was patchwork, not floorwork.

Goodman called it “simple, but effective.” Inaba said she had commanded the stage. INTENSITY LEVEL: 5.

Roshon Fegan, he who seems to like himself quite a lot, was surprised to have been in last week’s bottom two. With the samba, he needed to shake his bottom, too. In rehearsals, he decided he had to channel Levy. There is a slight problem. Levy is built like Adonis. Fegan is built like Don the skinny kid who enjoys the girls’ giggles. Fegan’s body movements are more hectic than sexy. There is always something a little uncomfortable about a teen attempting allure.

“You’re wired for salsa,” insisted Tonioli. He thought his timing was superb.

“You’re like a young guy with his first car,” mused Goodman. So much symbolism is so few words. INTENSITY LEVEL: 6

Donald Driver received significant help from his partner Peta Murgatroyd’s subtly revealing dress. Somehow, her left hip, exposed to the world, took on a personality that was far more exuberant and edgy than either of the actual performers. Driver stroked her left thigh. He pouted in the most intense manner he could muster. But he looked like he was trying to memorize routes, rather than let them flow naturally.

This was all Murgatroyd, her limbs describing shapes that a centipede would envy. She managed to mask Driver’s deficiencies quite deftly.

Inaba called it “divine.” She believed that Driver had mastered the control of the lifts. Goodman, more accurately, called it “nearly, but not quite.” Tonioli loved the build-up. But he felt a little Driver’s Droop. INTENSITY LEVEL: 7.

And so we await Tuesday night’s dance-off. Yes, two couples will have to dance again at the mercy of the judges’ cold, hard eyes. It can only be intense, surely.

TOP THREE: William Levy, Katherine Jenkins, Maria MenounosBOTTOM THREE: Gavin DeGraw, Gladys Knight, Melissa Gilbert